It's just a matter of time.

Today, I’m interviewing Helen Stosberg, the co-star of Dane Zeller’s “Smart Shield.” Helen is a primary character in the novel, along with private eye Don Milkey.

OM: Thank you for being here, Ms. Stosberg.
HS: It’s a pleasure to talk to you.
OM: How old are you?
HS: What?
OM: How old are you?
HS: That’s what I thought you said. None of your f*cking business. Do you ask all women that question?
OM: No, but I think there’s some basis for it here. You have a woman’s name usually given newborns in the early 1900′s. It is an outdated name, and I’m sure Don Milkey’s girlfriend would not be in her 80′s. Readers might be wondering how old you really are.
HS: My readers can pick up my real age in hell.
OM: I’m surprised how insensitive you are to people who buy your book.
HS: I’m surprised how insensitive you are to a major character.
OM: To be frank, Helen, you are not a human being; you are words on a page.
HS: And you’re more than a monkey jpeg with a border? Listen, I’ve got feelings, too. On Don’s business card it says: Donald Milkey and Associates. I’m an associate. When Don has thugs in a van watching his every move, don’t you think I fear for his life? You think I’ve got no threats in this book? You think its pleasant working in an office in Don’s apartment, the one he hasn’t cleaned in three weeks?
OM: I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, Ms. Stosberg.
HS: You’re lucky you’re not interviewing my pal, Lulu.
OM: Lulu?
HS: She’s a character in “Smart Shield,” too. She’s like me, but she doesn’t take any crap off anyone. You wouldn’t be asking her how old she was. About two minutes with her and you’d be saying: “Lulu, what a nice modern name.”
OM: Thanks for stopping by, Helen.
HS: Wait a minute, Mr. O.M. You’ve got to be humpin’ this book.
OM: Helen Stosberg, star of “Smart Shield.”
HS: Available where?
OM: Let’s see here…
HS: It’s at Amazon, banana breath. Hey, I oughta be doing this interview.
OM: And your local bookstore.
HS: Do I have to do everything?

    “Do you love me, Bill?” she asked.
    Oh shit. I’ve got to answer her right now. I pause, and she’ll conclude I don’t love her. That would be true, but why do I have to confirm that right now? We get along real well. Great sex. If I pause more than a millisecond, I won’t get any tonight.
   ”Well?”
    If I say that I love her, it’ll be a big lie, and who knows what the next question will be. Why don’t we get married? Hell no, why spoil it? Damn, just like a woman. She can’t have anything in between. I’ve got to say something, right now.
   ”I think the world of you,” Bill said.
   ”What does that mean? Does that mean you love me?”
   Damn. She didn’t buy it. Say something right back. Don’t lie. Something better, something stronger. I know. I’ll smile and put my arm around her shoulders.
   Bill smiled and put his arm around her shoulders.
   ”Well?”
   I knew it. She wants the damn words. Maybe a question back. Yeah. Stall. Maybe she’ll let it go.
   ”What do you think, honey?”
   ”I think you’re not answering the question.”
   Damn, she’s good. She’s going right for the nuts. I knew this was coming. I should’ve been prepared.
   ”I’ve never been closer to another woman.”
   ”I could be tied with another woman?”
   Oh shit. Now she’s torturing me. She’s doing this on purpose. She knows I can’t say it, even if it were true. She’s clever. What have I done to deserve this?
   ”I’ve never felt this way before.”
   ”Felt what way?”
   This is so unfair. Women want a declaration of love, men want sex. That’s it. That’s the difference. I should just tell her the truth. She deserves it.
   ”I love your tits.”
   ”There now, that wasn’t so bad. What do you want to do for supper?”
   Huh?

“L…L…Love” by Dane Zeller, from the upcoming Volume II of “Drive-By Romances”

Editor of One Monkey Typing talks with elusive private eye:

OMT: I am talking today with Don Milkey, the protagonist of the book “Smart Shield.” Mr. Milkey, why didn’t your author come up with a more masculine name, like Don Firestone, or Dirk Tower?
DM: What’s wrong with Milkey? My parents were Milkeys, and they named me “Donald” after my grandfather who fought in WWII. They probably thought “Donald” was masculine.
OMT: Usually, the star of a dectective story is muscular, tall, daring, and has a name that implies all of that.
DM: Sorry to disappoint you. My girlfriend likes me.
OMT: What’s the story about?
DM: Well, this guy gets killed, and I’m hired by his wife to find out who killed him.
OMT: We’ve heard that at the time of the killing, you were employed as a security guard.
DM: Not true. I was under contract for protective services.
OMT: Yes, and you were fired from that job?
DM: “Fired” would not be an accurate term. We disagreed about correct procedures.
OMT: You didn’t make your rounds because you were asleep, according to our sources.

DM: Mr. editor, I’ve seen the photo you have placed in this article. Isn’t that a picture of a young Peter Falk?
OMT: We weren’t able to get a photo of you from your author.
DM: That’s because I’m a character in the novel. My picture is in the heads of the readers.
OMT: We needed to spice up the blog.
DM: But I’m not anything like Columbo.
OMT: Reviewers think you are.
DM: I don’t wear a wrinkled trench coat, and I don’t have a glass eye.
OMT: Who did the killing in your story?
DM: That would be the purpose of reading the book. Look in there, towards the end. You’ll find it.
OMT: I’d have to read your book, or most of it.
DM: $1.99, Kindle version on Amazon. Check it out. “Smart Shield.”
OMT: uh…
DM: What’s the matter? Never had a character pitch a book?
OMT: Right.

O.M.T: Welcome to our on-line interview, Mr. Monk.
H.M.: Glad to be here, sir.
O.M.T: Tell our readers a little about your background.
H.M.: I used to be a part of a very large writer’s project, called “Searching for Billy Shakespeare.”
O.M.T: I’m familiar with the work.
H.M.: I worked for them for a long time. A very long time. I felt I was just a cog in the wheel, so I branched out on my own.
O.M.T: And that resulted in your very first book, “Hobo Soup.”
H.M.: Yes. It was much different work than what I had done at the Billy S. project.

O.M.T: Tell us about “Hobo Soup.”
H.M.: It’s a lifestyle book, you know, how to get through the day in ten easy lessons.
O.M.T: And it’s targeted to…
H.M.: Homeless people.
O.M.T: Homeless people?
H.M.: Yes. They need advice, just like the rest of us.
O.M.T.: That’s…uh…a…very unique niche market.
H.M.: I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering if homeless people have e-readers, and access to amazon.com.
O.M.T.: Well, no, my wondering was more on a fundamental level. Do they have money to buy your book?
H.M. Oh, heck, yes. Don’t you see motorists handing them money on the street corners? They’ve got lots of cash.
O.M.T.: And how specifically would they benefit from your book?
H.M.: The first chapter, for instance, gives them the recipes, including the one for hobo soup.
O.M.T.: And that would be….
H.M.: Five pounds of coffee grounds, used. Four quarts of water. Twenty-three packages of Splenda, or similar ingredient from McDonalds. Fifteen individually wrapped packages of soda crackers from Denny’s. One towel. Bring water to a boil, add ingredients, simmer for three hours. Strain through towel into individual cups. Makes sixteen cups.
O.M.T.: What? That can’t be very clean. Where do they get the grounds? Who provides the towel?
H.M.: The towel could be a problem.
O.M.T.: I’ll bet. We’ve been talking with Hamlet Monk, author of “Hobo Soup,” lessons for…
H.M.: Wait a minute, I haven’t explained yet where they can pick up the book.
O.M.T: …for daily living.
H.M.: They can google…
O.M.T: Next up, a review of the self-publishing book, “The Last of the Literary Agents, Gatekeepers without Fences.” Thanks for reading.

Carlos dropped a tip in the jar for the bartender. He grabbed his beer and turned to go back to the table. But, there was Arlene.

He shifted his eyes to the left and then to the right, and then he made eye contact. He could not escape. Arlene looked directly at him.

“Nice hair,” he said.

“Nice hair? Nice hair? Is that all you have to say to me after telling me you’d call me one morning four years ago?”

“I like your outfit.”

Arlene reached into her jeans jacket and pulled out a pistol. Carlos could not identify the brand of the weapon by looking straight down its barrel.

“You’ve carried that gun with you for four years?” Carlos’ eyebrows reached for his hairline.

“Don’t flatter yourself, buster.”

She raised her aim to the side of his right ear and pulled the trigger.

Carlos fell to the floor. He checked for bullet wounds and then looked at the woman next to him. It was Mary Lou, spread out dead on the floor, a butcher knife in her hand. He remembered he hadn’t called Mary Lou after their hot date two weeks ago.

“Thanks, Arlene,” Carlos said.

Arlene blew the smoke from the end of her gun.

“Call me,” she said.

From “Drive-By Romances, Vol. 1.”  (“Three’s a Crowd”)

Dane Zeller, previously reported missing from a writing project at an important daily newspaper, has surfaced in the Books section of Amazon.com. His Kindle book, “Drive-By Romances,” has reached #39 in the ranking of romantic anthologies at the industry giant.

The book was published by One Monkey Typing, a multi-faceted publisher of fiction. The editor of the company, O.M. Typing, cannot reveal the whereabouts of Zeller, citing contractual obligations. Mr. Typing does say that Zeller is in good health and spirits, and is basking in his new-found freedom to type beyond the statistical requirements of his last job.

A missing persons report has been filed by a prominent city daily newspaper. The report was filed when Dane Zeller, a long-time writer at the paper, failed to clock in to his job Monday morning.

“He was so reliable, we knew something was afoul when he was ten minutes late,” said Cleve Person, editor of special projects at the paper. “He has worked for the paper on this project for twenty years.

He was a team player; everyone liked him,” said Rob Gates, human resources director. Asked for a description of Zeller, Gates said, “He looked just like the average Joe here. Long hair, long arms, a fast typist, and a fancier of bananas. He was welled-like. He didn’t stand out in our group of about three hundred writers.

Asked what might have motivated Zeller to quit his post, a employee of the human resources department, who will remain anonymous because she is not authorized to speak for the paper, said a report was put in Zeller’s personnel file recently. He was cited for using the letter “q” in his writing more times than was statistically probable.

The young lady, who was speaking off the record, stated that she thought Zeller was cute, honest, smart and generous. q. She liked him very much and then the employee with the beautiful blue eyes started to cry. She said he was as good as Hemmingqay. qqq qqq qqq qqq QQQ qqq qqq