Major League Soccer Makes Substantial Rule Changes

A covert One Monkey Typing investigation has revealed that the governing board of Major League Soccer (MLS) has met and has established new rules for league play. These new rules are designed to appeal to the American tastes in soccer. Details of the rules changes were provided by an MLS staffer whose identity cannot be revealed because she is not authorized to speak for MLS.  One Monkey Typing will protect her identity by referring to her only by her first name, Matalina.

The new rules:

  1. Each goal scored will now be worth 64 points. This will serve the American need for high scoring games.  Under this new scoring system, 73% of all league games last year would have gone over 100 points.
  2. The game will start, tied 5-5.
  3. Night games will be played without lights.
  4. Drama points will be awarded when players are tripped, collided with, or otherwise intentionally hindered severely by the opposing team. Each time a player goes down, a panel of three judges at midfield will vote on how believable the player was in portraying his injury. Points awarded by the majority of green flags:
    1. Twisted ankle – one point
    2. Bruised knee – one point
    3. Broken ankle or leg – two points
    4. Fractured ankle or leg – three points
    5. Head injury (conscious) – four points
    6. Head injury, concussion) – five points
    7. The NBA 24-second clock will be enforced.

Matalina also reported that the governing board was outraged by the behavior of players who scored a goal or won a match. Removing of shirts by players will be prohibited, especially by women players. Violating players will be fined $3.00.