Woman Stands Her Ground

Today, I’m interviewing Helen Stosberg, the co-star of Dane Zeller’s “Smart Shield.” Helen is a primary character in the novel, along with private eye Don Milkey.


OM: Thank you for being here, Ms. Stosberg.
HS: It’s a pleasure to talk to you.
OM: How old are you?
HS: What?
OM: How old are you?
HS: That’s what I thought you said. None of your f*cking business. Do you ask all women that question?
OM: No, but I think there’s some basis for it here. You have a woman’s name usually given newborns in the early 1900′s. It is an outdated name, and I’m sure Don Milkey’s girlfriend would not be in her 80′s. Readers might be wondering how old you really are.
HS: My readers can pick up my real age in hell.
OM: I’m surprised how insensitive you are to people who buy your book.
HS: I’m surprised how insensitive you are to a major character.
OM: To be frank, Helen, you are not a human being; you are words on a page.
HS: And you’re more than a monkey jpeg with a border? Listen, I’ve got feelings, too. On Don’s business card it says: Donald Milkey and Associates. I’m an associate. When Don has thugs in a van watching his every move, don’t you think I fear for his life? You think I’ve got no threats in this book? You think its pleasant working in an office in Don’s apartment, the one he hasn’t cleaned in three weeks?
OM: I’m sorry if I’ve offended you, Ms. Stosberg.
HS: You’re lucky you’re not interviewing my pal, Lulu.
OM: Lulu?
HS: She’s a character in “Smart Shield,” too. She’s like me, but she doesn’t take any crap off anyone. You wouldn’t be asking her how old she was. About two minutes with her and you’d be saying: “Lulu, what a nice modern name.”
OM: Thanks for stopping by, Helen.
HS: Wait a minute, Mr. O.M. You’ve got to be humpin’ this book.
OM: Helen Stosberg, star of “Smart Shield.”
HS: Available where?
OM: Let’s see here…
HS: It’s at Amazon, banana breath. Hey, I oughta be doing this interview.
OM: And your local bookstore.
HS: Do I have to do everything?

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