The Dark Side of Book Promotion: Brutal Honesty by Author

The following email exchange has been secured through the Freedom of Information Act.

Mrs. Waquiz's Home


Hubert Maga
Director of Funeral Processes
34 Dahomey St. Suite 102
Republic of Benin, A1P33
TelFax Number:0022-999-653-899 or +22-999-653-899.

NOTICE OF FUNERAL INHERITANCE CLAIMS, BENEFICIARY CORRESPONDENCE

Attention Mr. Dane Zeller,
Goodday to you,happy new year to 2014 long life and prosperity,Definitely, I know that this letter will be a surprising one to you. I represent one Maria Wasquiz, once proud inhabitant of our good city in the Republic of Benin. Mrs. Wasquiz, due to unfortunate reaction to surgery of her gall bladder, has left behind explicit instructions to bless one good man of the deepest Christian faith her bank account made plentiful by her husband, a prosperous dealer in pharmaceuticals in west Africa. Because of investigations private to her she provided me your name as proper recipient of the one million two hundred thousand U.S. dollars, not having begot children from marriage to her husband, and being dead herself.

Her instructions require me to ask of you to provide a simple fee of $150 US dollars, check or moneyorder, in order to transfer the $1,200,000.00 from Zenith Bank to an account of your choosing. I will need the bank id and accounting number of your bank.
I await your check and your banking numerals.

Sincerely,
Huburt Maga
Director of funeral processes.

Dr. Mr. Maga,
I was, indeed, unprepared for such an event as described in your email to me. I am overwhelmed by the beneficence of Mrs. Wasquiz. It would be, however, a stretch of moral principal to accept such a monetary amount, pretending I was a Christian of the deepest faith. Yes, I was Christian when I was twelve years old, but my faith was unsuccessfully tested by Reverend John Thompson, minister of the Third Street Evangelical United Brethren Church, his hour-long sermons casting me into deep sleep in the back pew of his church. I failed in being a Christian of deepest faith, so I will not be able to provide the small fee of $150 dollars.

Dane Zeller

Mr. Dane Zeller,
I’m sorry to hear of such an event occurring in your childhood. I reassure you my knowledge of Mrs. Wasquiz. Her religion is accepting of Christians who have fallen from grace, and are willing to atone for their mistakes by making contribution to her cause. The $150 would be used to adorn her now anonymous gravesite with her name carved in a cross.

We accept paypal, also.

Huburt Maga
Director of Funeral Processes.

Mr. Maga,
I am comforted by the notion that one’s childhood mistake is not punished by Mrs. Wasquiz’s religion. But, my early Christian learnings, before I was struck by sleep, compel me to give you the full truth of my worthiness of such a large gift. I must tell you that the small amount of money I have made for myself without the benefit of gift, I have squandered at the poker tables of my local casinos. The million two may well meet the same fate. I cannot promise otherwise. Her grave must remain unmarked, I’m sorry to say.
Dane Zeller

Mr. Zeller,
I am in awe of your honesty sir. Perhaps I remind you of the amazing capital system of your fine country. If you spend your million two in a casino, it is my inherent belief that less fortunate workers will be paid, and your coffers for education will be filled. You cannot escape doing good.
Huburt

Huburt,
I am sorry I didn’t make myself clear. Except for a small fee off the top of the pot, any money I lose goes to an array of unworthy poker players, who themselves will squander their winnings on drink and smoke and nefarious women. As one example, there is one Raymore-Peculiar Slim, who I know fails to fix the engine of his automobile, requiring weekly fill-up of oil, only to have it burn off to pollute our atmosphere. There are more and egregious examples of rakes and scoundrels sitting at my table at any given time. Indeed my habit is so great, that it would not be possible for me to gather the $75 fee for Mrs. Waquiz.
Dane

Ray-Pec Slim


Dane,
Because I can buy a plastic cross, instead of wooden, I can accept a fee of $50.
Huburt

Huburt,
I have not been forthcoming to you. Not only am I an unsuccessful poker player, I have chosen to make my living as a writer of novels. Alas, my sales are sagging. Perhaps you would be interested in reading my latest book, “Smart Shield”, available for $10.00 each at Amazon.com. Maybe you could interest four of your friends in purchasing it also.
Dane

Dane,
Very funny guy this Milkey in your book. Jonathan and the others think so also.
Huburt

Huburt,
To whom shall I make out the check?
Dane