College Professor Destroys New Year’s Resolutions

In a study submitted to “The Journal of the Psychology of Economics”, Professor Dane Zeller has shown the deleterious effects of the making of New Year’s resolutions.

Only eleven more days until Stephen Foster Memorial Day


“Centering a resolution on January 1st of the new year has the effect of postponing good habits until the end of the year. No one uses August 1st to make their resolutions,” Zeller concludes.

Furthermore, this annual habit has immense cost to the economy when the resolutions are broken days after they are made on January 1st. Zeller states that the widespread practice of lowering our efforts, economic and otherwise, until the 1st of January, causes a 6.4% reduction in our GDP. That is after factoring out the increase to the economy of the purchase of alcoholic beverages and cigarettes, and the chasing of designing women.

The forward-thinking college educator suggests having multiple resolution days such as Columbus Day, Labor Day, and Halloween.

“With several resolution days, we will make and break many more resolutions, allowing us to reach many more of our goals, and causing our GDP to soar,” argued Professor Zeller.

The editor of “The Journal of the Psychology of Economics” will not comment on Zeller’s submission, citing his New Year’s resolution not to publicly criticize “oddball, without merit, phony studies made by scholars of questionable credentials.”